You Should, I SAY SO

A child’s messy room seems to be "ghar ghar ki kahani". Some of us who are compulsively neat and organized can’t stand this a bit. However, for many a genius we know of, this could be an exciting stimulus. After all, it’s their room, their space, and if you are telling them what to do with it – IS IT STILL THEIRS? "You are living in MY house and hence you have to live by MY standards"! So much for democracy! Add to this the fear that they will grow up to be completely and hopelessly disorganized.

Points to ponder:

Is it better to ensure compliance?
Or is it better to cultivate the habits of setting one’s own standards?

SHOULDs impose.

However, if we let them set their own standards then they would be the ones going around confirming to them. Give freedom WITH responsibility and you give them reason WITH action.

Let’s look at another ‘should’ situation – eating healthy food! As a child I knew that what I WANT to eat is what I like and what fills my tummy. As a child my mother told me what I SHOULD eat is what she likes and what will fill her heart’s content.

In ‘How To Get Your Kid To Eat….But Not Too Much’ Ellyn Satter advises, "The parent is responsible for what the child is offered to eat, the child is responsible for how much, and even whether, she eats. It is up to you to get healthy food into the house. It is you that makes sure the meals and snacks are nutritious". "But once you have done that, you simply have to let go of it. Turn the rest to your child, and trust her to do her part". So, if you want your child to eat fruit, leave it sitting on the table win an attractive basket ready to eat.

You create the setting. Child creates the action. The problem with Spinach is that it SHOULD be eaten. Not that it COULD be eaten! Ha! There is the magic word- "COULD" which translates as CHOICES. Just give them enough nutritious choices and let them alone.

Same with the messy room, give choices: "You COULD clean it once a day"; "You COULD use more shelves"; "You COULD take my help" etc. SHOULD means ‘command’ and sooner or later they would balk it. COULD means ‘choice’ and sooner or later they would try it. Let’s trust our children.

Let’s switch to democracy today. Let’s make them set their own standards and let’s provide them with choices in executing them. Then let them live up to these standards. Let’s celebrate when they do! Remember (Simon & Garfunkel sang) – "Yes I would. If I could, I surely would"