Making Connection
A good judge remembers what it was like to be a lawyer. A good editor
remembers being a writer. A good parent remembers what it was like to be a child.
remembers being a writer. A good parent remembers what it was like to be a child.
A better parent not only remembers, but consciously and constantly gets into
the child's world and then tries to understand their mental models, their perspectives.
the child's world and then tries to understand their mental models, their perspectives.
"Mummy, I broke my toy"
"Don't worry; we will get another one"
Somewhere we assume that "This small thing is not important."
To the child, at this moment, the toy is the most important thing in the world.
As important as your most beautiful sari or your laptop!
Let’s value their feelings (which make them value themselves) by "Oh, that
is so awful". (Now let’s shut up and listen to the whole story). Mostly, the child
himself will say "I will be more careful next time, sorry daddy"
"Don't worry; we will get another one"
Somewhere we assume that "This small thing is not important."
To the child, at this moment, the toy is the most important thing in the world.
As important as your most beautiful sari or your laptop!
Let’s value their feelings (which make them value themselves) by "Oh, that
is so awful". (Now let’s shut up and listen to the whole story). Mostly, the child
himself will say "I will be more careful next time, sorry daddy"
Perhaps the best way to genuinely make connection with children is to view,
experience and live the way they are viewing, experiencing and living their life.
This is also called pacing (also see issue "I want to" at http://geniekids.com/pa/iwantto).
experience and live the way they are viewing, experiencing and living their life.
This is also called pacing (also see issue "I want to" at http://geniekids.com/pa/iwantto).
As Meena Jain, child psychologist and therapist says, "you need to experience
a cone of ice-cream just like the child. You need to desire it, relish every lick of it, become as possessive of your cone, become oblivious of the smudging on your cheeks. If you can see ultimate pleasure of life in the melting vanilla,
you have understood the child, you have made the most intense connection with
the child's mental world".
a cone of ice-cream just like the child. You need to desire it, relish every lick of it, become as possessive of your cone, become oblivious of the smudging on your cheeks. If you can see ultimate pleasure of life in the melting vanilla,
you have understood the child, you have made the most intense connection with
the child's mental world".
Once a child at Geniekids made a flower much bigger than a tree. The father
objected, saying that isn't the way things are. What the father perhaps failed
to see that size is relative: If I am feeling thirsty, water is the biggest thing on
my mind (maybe bigger then a house or a city or even the world). Should
the mental maps dictate the size or the physical maps? Can I measure size
by desire, interest, relevance and not necessarily by a ruler?
objected, saying that isn't the way things are. What the father perhaps failed
to see that size is relative: If I am feeling thirsty, water is the biggest thing on
my mind (maybe bigger then a house or a city or even the world). Should
the mental maps dictate the size or the physical maps? Can I measure size
by desire, interest, relevance and not necessarily by a ruler?
In every case of power struggle - it is not the issue over which the struggle is
on - the real is issue is who is in-charge? The moment we see this from the
child's point of view, and say, "I leave it you, you decide" - look what happens.
The reason to fight is over, so is the fight.
on - the real is issue is who is in-charge? The moment we see this from the
child's point of view, and say, "I leave it you, you decide" - look what happens.
The reason to fight is over, so is the fight.
Making connections is perhaps the most endearing and enduring way of parenting.
Be it discipline, learning, development or values - an understood child build self esteem, self confidence and self knowledge.
Be it discipline, learning, development or values - an understood child build self esteem, self confidence and self knowledge.
Here are some tips:
Questions: Eschew assumptions, get it from the horses mouth:
What/ How are you feeling right now?
What is more important? What is important about this to you?
In what ways could I be most helpful to you right now?
Questions: Eschew assumptions, get it from the horses mouth:
What/ How are you feeling right now?
What is more important? What is important about this to you?
In what ways could I be most helpful to you right now?
Physiology: Get down to their level. How would you like to talk to somebody
who is twelve feet tall and perhaps double your width?
Most of the time we want them to walk as fast/ slow as us, sit as properly as us,
lie down as quietly as us. Try matching their actions, matching their body feelings.
who is twelve feet tall and perhaps double your width?
Most of the time we want them to walk as fast/ slow as us, sit as properly as us,
lie down as quietly as us. Try matching their actions, matching their body feelings.
Visualize: Mostly we visualize what will go wrong - he will fall; she might fail,
it might get spoiled etc. Try visualizing what benefit the child might get out of
it - even if it is just momentary, and maybe unimportant (to you). A positive
visualization often curbs the urge to react and opens a window of understanding.
it might get spoiled etc. Try visualizing what benefit the child might get out of
it - even if it is just momentary, and maybe unimportant (to you). A positive
visualization often curbs the urge to react and opens a window of understanding.
Dig for Gold: Let me risk a generalization - every action has some positive
intention. First seek that positive intention behind every behavior - then watch out
for the charge that would flow between you and your child (see issue 29 -
'Acceptance frames'). Follow it with lovely labeling!
intention. First seek that positive intention behind every behavior - then watch out
for the charge that would flow between you and your child (see issue 29 -
'Acceptance frames'). Follow it with lovely labeling!
If you think that child does not understand you and your instruction, its time you
made a real connection. As Stephen Cover says "Seek first to understand,
then to be understood"
made a real connection. As Stephen Cover says "Seek first to understand,
then to be understood"
By Ratnesh & Aditi Mathur
For www.geniekids.com
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