Building Rapport

Let me propose few presuppositions:

The effectiveness of our communication is the result that we get. If a child is resisting to what we are saying – then the bottom line is that our communication is ineffective. Can we do something to our communication so that the child stops resisting?

Respect for the child’s model of the world is essential to be effective in communicating with him or her. It’s not so important what is the child’s point of view; what is important is that it is the ONLY view he is seeing! If we respect why a child doesn't like spinach, maybe the child will appreciate why we are insisting on spinach.

The child manifests her mental model through her expressions, body language, tone and rhythm of voice and choice of words. Also, the child is using these to live in this mental world. Wouldn’t the best way to communicate with the child be to enter into this world?

That is what Building Rapport is all about! When we feel that somebody is (thinking) like us, we tend to accept that person. A basis of similarity builds relationship. Building rapport is to align ourselves to a child's mental world so that the child feels accepted, acknowledged and being in sync with us. Then the gates for communication open wide. Then motivation, encouragement, learning and cooperation follow automatically.

When children come to GenieKids center, most of them start liking us by the end of day one. The reason is not that we are likeable, but we make ourselves likeable by building rapport with them.

The idea is to build congruency with the child's mental state. You must have experienced it many times, when rapport was there naturally between you and your child. The trick is to make it happen every time. To guide us we use the evident behavioral and neurological indicators:

1. Go down to a child's physical level. A child who is two feet high cannot feel much congruency with someone who is hollering from 5 feet height.
2. Match the child's body movement. If the child moves his or hand a lot, move yours too. If the child is withdrawn, maintain distance and closed body posture. Just like two friends discussing something intimately display a synchronization of body movement, the idea is to show similarity that can be seen.
3. Match the rhythm and tonality of their voice. The idea is not to imitate but modulate your voice to sound similar.
4. Use the words that your child uses. If child says, "This is yuck" Instead of replying "You do not like the taste", say "It’s yuck to you ". Let's not presuppose that yuck means bad taste to the child. Using the same vocabulary makes the child feel that you have understood the exact connotation of the word.
5. Reflect back the child's thought. "I feel like hitting you" Say back (with similar tone) "you want to hit me". This makes the child continue to talk about whatever are the feelings.

Perhaps the most important rapport technique is displaying honest courtesy and politeness: this tends to disarm even the most aggressive.

The idea is not to try and change the child's state, but enter into that state. Once you do that, the child is more open to be lead to a change of state. When a parent and a child are in accord, it is so easy to persuade and motivate the child. "Until you let me be an 'I' the way 'you are', you can never come inside my silence and know me" {from the movie - "Children of a lesser God"}