Independence

What is independence? Why is independence desired? By whom is independence desired? How do we inculcate independence?
When do we call children as independent? When they do things for and by themselves. When they can manage their own activities relevant to their ages on their own. Often parents lament that their children are not independent and they have to be fed, bathed, etc. But it is also a very common sight to see parents feeding their kids, wearing shoes for them, bathing them, etc, esp when they are in a hurry. So how do we inculcate independence in children?

It is important to understand that independence does not develop overnight. Parents have to create opportunities and situations in which children can experience independence and encourage them when they do so. Parents can make their children independent by letting the children do the things by themselves. Letting children do their own things independently also inculcates a sense of responsibility in them and soon they build the habits of being independent and responsible for themself.

Parents can encourage children to choose what they would like to wear, eat, etc so as to encourage independent decision making. While giving the children options to choose from, parents can outline what is acceptable to them and also find out what is acceptable to the child. Then the child can be given an opportunity to exercise own choice within the frame of what is acceptable to both, the parents and the child himself.

Children can be involved in doing small household chores independently and also in doing things for themself independently. For example, if the child needs some information for his/her school project, the child can be encouraged to do it on his own. Parents can support the child in the process, and help the child to find the information by self, instead of providing readymade answers to all their queries. It is faster to provide ready made answers, but the child learns more and also more independently if he/she does things on his/her own.

It is important to strike a balance between raising an independent child and raising a child with full freedom which he/she may misuse. Giving too much freedom may confuse the child or the child may misuse the freedom. It is important to inculcate independence with an awareness of responsibility.

As children start doing things independently, they are bound to stumble and make mistakes in the beginning. Parents need to accept the fact and be supportive in this process rather than constantly pointing out to children that they are making mistakes. It is better to show them how to do things in a certain way when they are learning to do it, rather than pointing out mistakes.

It's sometimes hard to think about, but a parent's ultimate job is to raise kids in a way so that they are not needed. In other words, parents should work themselves out of a job. Raising independent, self-motivated kids leads to the same traits with adults. Here are some tips for developing independent actions.

Start now. Beginning in their toddler years, kids should be encouraged to make choices about their lives. It could be as simple as which shoes to put on or whether the white sweater or red one will look best with blue pants, but kids should be encouraged to develop opinions for themselves. Parents can help to structure the choices so that all options are satisfactory to them. Too many choices can also be overwhelming, so limit choices to a couple of selections in very young children.
Let your kids experience consequences. As children mature, parents should help children to understand the impact of their choices, and that they must face the consequence of decisions made. And, as hard as it is sometimes, parents should avoid manipulating the answer. Sometimes, you might just have to look the other way if your child pairs mis-matches clothing or picks shoes that don't look right. The key is that if a child is safe and comfortable, it is okay.
Avoid being over-controlling. Parents should help to nurture creative thoughts and guide good decision making--not be the ultimate ogre. Give your kids room to think for themselves. It's okay if a girl hates the color pink or if a boy opts a plain blue bedspread over action heroes or Sponge Bob. Be sure not to try and relive bad decisions you made or regrets you've experienced through your own kids. If your child absolutely hates taking dance and every week is a battle, perhaps ballet lessons are not the answer. Your kids have opinions and ideas. Let them experience them for themselves under your guidance.
Avoid "buying" good deeds. Most parents treat their kids to occasional rewards for good actions or smart decisions. But, be careful about going overboard, so that kids are not motivated to make good decisions or do their best without a treat at the end. Kids should learn that the best reward to being self-motivated is the positive feeling or success that comes as a result.
Ask your child what she wants, and be prepared to listen. Parents often "assume" they know what a child wants, and may be surprised at what kids really do want. Maybe your child really doesn't want to spend the afternoon at the park, and instead wants to go for a walk. Or, maybe she just wants to curl up with a good book in your lap. By providing choices, and then going with a child's decision, parents are encouraging children to think for themselves and become more independent.